Regretting Motherhood – one may regret it to be a mother?
I should have just have a child! This sentence is a taboo - the many women now dare nevertheless the first time. But why, some women so unhappy in their roles?
Regretting Motherhood - the commitment of women
Photo: © fotolia.com/ monkey business
It all started with a small study from Israel. The young sociologist Orna Donath presents in front of mothers who regret it open, to have had children. "If I could go back now, I would, of course, children. This is absolutely natural for me"Says since, for example Atalya, three children. And the mother of two Charlotte explains motherhood was for her "the engagement with the now unavoidable"They draw from their mothering no emotional gain.
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Can we repent of his children?
Who first believed, here if it were an Israeli problem was wrong: The study suggested this country huge waves in the social networks, managed shortly afterwards in the main German news and has since been hotly debated in all media. And, although the Israeli study with 23 respondents actually too small to have scientific significance. Especially with Twitter hashtag arose in #regretting motherhood (ger .: regret to be a mother), a thousand-voiced debate. Some women tweeting that they regret having become mother. Others that they could understand these mothers at least. Still others (and many men) reacted angrily about how one could almost regret his children. They accuse self-pity or selfishness these mothers.
love his child - but not motherhood?
The strong response to the study does not mean that really the majority of women would be sorry to have had children. There are even less likely. The vast majority of mothers has rather ambivalent feelings to motherhood and is relieved to be able to say this finally: "Sometimes I have felt motherhood even as a burden. When my daughter as a baby had her nightly cry phases, I would have put me on the next plane prefer. But in retrospect, I would question whether I would be a mother again, answer yes"Says a Urbia-user. And another describes her conflicting feelings this way: "I do not regret my child and I love it. But there are things that affect being a mother, I did not find that great, as I would repeat in the next life for sure."
Motherhood and Mother activity - two pairs of shoes!
The contradiction between the yes to the child and the distance to their own mothering pervades the discussion like a thread. But how does this ambivalent feeling? "Most of the women concerned do not reject her motherhood from, but their care activities. We often confuse motherhood with the parent activity. That you have to separate conceptually absolutely", Explains Dr. Helga Kruger Kirn, a psychologist from Marburg, the u. a. research on female identity and motherhood. And indeed, just such a distinction can also solve the apparent contradiction, as when Doreen tries to explain from Israel: "I regret to have become a mother, but I do not regret my children. I love her. I do not wish that they did not, were here I would simply not be a mother."
"I'm just mother ..."
But why some women have negative feelings about her mother's role? "The reason is that there is no social recognition for this intense activity mother, this intense relationship work of the mothers of their children"Suspected Dr. Kruger Kirn, who is also a lecturer at the University of Marburg. "The reproductive activity of mothers does not have the social value as an economic activity. Because reproductive activities produce no added value." This means that motherhood is also to be little recognition because woman does not make money with the children providing.
"The appreciation of the tasks of mothers must be much higher", Kruger Kirn therefore calls. Here, it is similar to the low social esteem for maintenance activities at all. "To me, women come into practice, say the initial interview: 'I'm just mother.' Women need support to freizuschwimmen from such social assignments."
Women in power case
But at the moment seems to apply: A woman should not "just" his mother. Who wants recognition, should also have a job, joyfully engage and in the little free time in Kiga or school course be sexy in spite of fatigue. "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint"Meredith Brooks brings in one of her hits the irreconcilable to the point. And even if a mother does for a time nothing more than "just" to be a mother: "Immediately if they have a baby, are mothers in the mother-child relationship again under social pressure to perform. So women can not get out of the power case"Explains Kruger Kirn.
The silence of the fathers
This latest work pressure arises because women want to do everything right as a mother. You know a lot about child psychology and fear that their child takes psychological damage if they make mistakes. But where are the fathers? "Mothers is assumed to be responsible for the happiness and well-being of their children. In any case, the effect utilized more responsibility on the mother than his father"It feels a Urbia-user. "All errors are attributed to the mothers"So the impression of another user. This feeling is no coincidence: The co-founded by Sigmund Freud psychoanalysis made a long time the woman to the most responsible for the happiness of her child. Such beliefs dominate women today: When mothers are looking for in online forums advice in matters of education, the father is almost never mentioned in these posts. Also in the debate #regretting motherhood on Twitter most men mention off - provided they do not even attack the women. Hardly a man feels himself reminded of their duty. One of the few exceptions is the one father who twitters critical: "The more roars of men the oppressive silence!"
By nature, like mother?
Many men, but also women apparently believe the mother was simply the most important for a child. Is it you do not even innate, that they like to provide for their offspring? But the French philosopher Prof. Elisabeth Badinter already presented in 1981 on the thesis that there is no innate maternal instinct. Women are not from the moment of birth automatically the loving, devoted mothers who willingly give up their own lives. There had been periods in history where mothers pretty little care of their offspring and pursued primarily their own work or their pleasure.
"Motherhood is an identity concept"Says Dr. Kruger Kirn. "It defines a woman on certain forms of identity and ways of being associated with social recognition." If it departed from that, they had to fear social sanctions. but this Mother is quite young. "The familiar to us today linking motherhood and femininity emerged with industrialization." While the man in the factory earned a livelihood, "Women were given their right to exist concerning reproduction"So the psychologist. "Of course, a child has the right and the right to empathy and loving care. But this is not per se independent of the woman, and that mum or grandma can give them."
Expectation of happiness often leads to disillusionment
That many women initially wanted a child, but then are disappointed, even an excessive expectation of happiness may be owed. While girls teased in the formerly common extended family, the younger siblings, many women today have never fed a baby before they become mothers. The advertising of baby products manufacturers reinforces the unrealistic expectations even if it is always sunny tuned mothers. "I think that's creepy, since people played such a perfect world full of positive feelings", A forum for discussion-Userin writes about "Regretting Motherhood",
Also, many women are relatively late mother, high expectations can stir up. "When women are in a job longer, they often eventually feel that they missed something in their lives, and in relation to their body"Explains Dr. Kruger Kirn late to have children. "But if you long time postponed this need, the expectation of course, can be very high." Then who gives up his job and the recognition associated, is disillusioned by Baby stress, overwork and lack of appreciation often quickly.