Puberty: Typical problems and conflicts
Problems and conflicts between parents and adolescents are at puberty at the day order. Urbia takes three themes, which lead most frequently to battle, and gives concrete tips for dealing with it.
Puberty and parents always fight over Leaving
Photo: © panthermedia, Perez Navarro
Birgit Zander can not fall asleep. As so often lately, the 45-year-old rolls around in her bed and throws again a look at her alarm clock. It's 0:30 and still the single mother listens in vain for the liberating sound of an opening door. When the 15-year-old Simone finally available shortly after 1:00 in the hallway, Birgit Zander with the nerves at the end and rushes to her. "Well, you have again for hours waiting for me?" Snaps the off immediately. Her mother hisses no less aggressive back, "By this you have guilt. You know that I zukriege not mind if I do not know where you are! "In no time is again a loud dispute between the two in progress. Birgit Zander looks again violated its rules, ridiculed her concerns. Daughter Simone does not feel taken seriously and treated as a toddler. A way out of their permanent conflict, the two not yet been found. Birgit Zander has now made an appointment at a child guidance in their perplexity. Daughter Simone has agreed to come along. A first step towards reconciliation is made.
Conflicts show the farewell to childhood
Repetitive battles over rules and freedoms are important, they even have to be a family counselor and author Jan-Uwe Rogge says: "Children in puberty seek confrontation, want the conflict with parents. but they also want their care. By parents set limits, they show their child: I care about you because you are important to me. "Yielding does not help the children - on the contrary:" With too much freedom children are not only overwhelmed, but also get the feeling that my parents do not care about me. I do not care, "said Rogge them. For mothers and fathers this time is not easy. Because the umbilical cord of children makes them once fear. The typical pubescent change between proximity and distance is often hard to bear for parents. The separation from home is for both sides to gradually say goodbye to childhood.
Clear agreements for homecoming
A first orientation for a reasonable settlement of the curfew may look like this: Children older than 14 years are allowed to stay out until ten o'clock, from 15 years to eleven, from 16 to twelve. the children abide by the agreements can be sometimes more generous - and at private parties for friends children and young people should also remain ever longer. But during the school day is not celebrated. If a teenager even a few minutes late getting home, that's no big deal. But if he takes half an hour a few times, consequences are appropriate: for example, to delete the output for the next week or at least reduce.
Parents must clearly show that they are conflict-ready. By saying your child that they are worried and do not want it to happen. And that they want to know why, where it resides and with whom it is composed. The typical teenage phrase: "I'll find someone who drives me" they should not get involved until they elucidate the homecoming before. The safest, bring the child at the agreed time itself. Or alternate with other parents while fetching from. If in doubt, you can also give to taxi money to the son or daughter so they sure come from remote places without bus or tram ride home. It is also perfectly fine when parents sit at night in the car and looking for her child, who has not come as agreed home. Maybe they redeem it indeed so even from a deadlock?
Let's talk about sex!
Many parents are not entirely comfortable with the idea of talking to their children about sexuality, because they fear having to talk about her intimate life. "But this is not absolutely necessary," says Ulla Atzert. The journalist, author and mother rather emphasizes in her humorous guide "Tips for trouble-free handling of adolescents" the right of parents to privacy. but was important that they address current issues and answer accurately and as short as possible - and from kindergarten. It makes sense to talk to his children about contraception, about STDs, on pornography - and that, even before the teenager for the first time in love. Main contact for teens is still the mother - while boys would often prefer these issues discussed with a man. You need someone who is there as a partner, takes a stand and explain a few things.
Instead of talking a book or pamphlet
A good alternative to a conversation but also a book or pamphlet may be, for example, about contraception. However, with the note that it is available for further questions. Especially in terms of prevention there are a lot of wrong today. According to a study on youth sexuality of the Federal Center for Health Education half of all 14- to 17-year-old boy gets home no specific prevention advice. Nevertheless, keep four-fifths of the same age in his own words for well informed. but with important detailed knowledge is lagging behind. Only 22 percent of boys and 43 percent of the girls knew, for example, on which days of the cycle a woman is especially fertile.
Teenagers are talking fast embarrassing
The 17-year-old Anne Dregger soon makes her high school. For half a year she has a boyfriend. Her mother noticed early on that there developed a lasting relationship. Long she was with a gynecologist: "alone, not with the boyfriend or girlfriend or my mother that I was better this way. You do not constantly talk to the mother about it too - although I could's. But sometimes you think in this kind of conversation: Does it actually be now "Perhaps only the sound is simply wrong, striking parents on such occasions?. They are instructive, cramped or mingle for the taste of their children too much in their love life a. Teenage boys and girls is much embarrassed or uncomfortable. Therefore, invitations to the first boyfriend or first girlfriend can be quickly embarrassed to sniff. is better off to use situations where people meet by chance or talked on the phone to get to know the other a bit better.
Parents should stick to their beliefs
Basically, parents need to not bend or behave totally tolerant if they are not that. You do not ever tolerate overnight visits if one does not want, for example. "Even though there will be conflict or dispute, it is important that parents tell their child what they find okay and what is not," says Ulla Atzert. When parents give in all, or stay out, arises in the child the impression that they do not care, and it is not important to the parents. Often it easier for young people even when their parents tell them that they still hold too young for sex and also justify their concerns and greater attention to the child's personality.
Smoking and drinking is cool
Tom lives in a village in Bergisch Land. By train the 16-year-old likes to ride with his gang at the weekend to nearby Cologne. In a club in the Old Town have recently even tried cocktails. Otherwise, the boys and girls regularly drink alcopops - Mixed drinks from soft drinks or juices plus alcohol. While Tom and his friends are still moderate in contrast to many other young people. Because the known from England habit of "betting drinking" and "flat rate drunkenness" is also in this country become fashionable. Although the final report on drugs the federal government reports a decline in illegal drugs but does have a dramatic increase in "everyday addictions" alcohol and nicotine. Most young people start smoking at 13, 14 years ago, the 15-year-olds do more than a third. All smoke - it's cool and makes sexy, say young people, when asked about their reasons for smoking. are uncool because the want a finish smoking or prohibit only the parents.
Good arguments and a clear stance against smoking
But even if it costs nerves and persuasion, parents must by no means simply accept the gray haze in the house or apartment like this. but important in their mission for not smoking are clear lines, factual arguments and especially understanding of their offspring who feels smoking so great and growing up. So cool but teens smoke cigarettes with 13 or 14 years may find so disgusting it is for them in previous years. And it is this time should use parents to talk to their children about the health risks and consequences. Although teens do not yet belong to the habitual smokers, you can achieve quite good them with good arguments. But instead then to threaten with lung cancer or smoker's lung, parents should better describe the children the obvious consequences of smoking: bad breath, yellow fingertips, bad skin, smelly clothes, lousy condition and soon smoker's cough. Perhaps there is also a godfather or a good friend of the family, someone the kids like and the long wants to quit smoking and told them of his withdrawal symptoms. Something like that is more convincing than the well-intentioned theoretical explanations still so committed parents.
Regular consumption of alcohol is not permitted
When it comes to alcohol, parents have the law on their side: The Youth Protection Act determines that allowed under 16 year olds drinking in public alcohol. Whether that happens in private, at the discretion of the parents. As with smoking, also mothers and fathers to their children should speak for themselves, common language: regular consumption of alcohol is not allowed on a glass of champagne or beer on festive occasions or under the supervision of mother and father decide from case to case. Of course, parents can not control how to handle their children at parties or in public with alcohol. But parents who have strengthened the self-esteem of their children through education, do not have to worry that the young give in to peer pressure at every opportunity. Nevertheless: Most teens drinking alcohol at some time and sometimes more than they tolerated. If a teenager home drunk, parents should show understanding for now. But the day after, read: This will not happen again! Alcohol is a permanent problem helps a conversation with my friends and their parents. "Both sides then tell openly why they drink alcohol, or, why not," suggests Peter Wüschner in his "survival training for parents" before. By the way, parents are role models - especially in this respect. Who likes to drink one over the eight himself, has to be taken seriously it hard to counter arguments.
Barbara Sichtermann: puberty. Beltz & Gelberg 2008, 272 pages, 17.90 euros. ISBN 978-3407857620
Ulla Atzert: Homo pubertensis. Tips for trouble-free handling of adolescents. Fischer 2007, 157 pages, 7.95 euros, ISBN 978-3596174775
Peter Wüschner: borderline experience puberty. New survival training for parents. Calibration fount 2005, 214 pages, 13.95 euros, ISBN 978-3821856148