Do not resist Pusher not respond when they are addressed and prefer to look to when others play - shy children. Parents see the most concerned: If the child is able to prevail? Does it left out? About shy children and how it attracts from the reserve.

If your child prefers to stand on the edge

shy child

Photo: © iStockphoto.com/ tiburonstudios

My daughter Elina almost never spoke in their kindergarten by themselves with the teachers. They also played a lot alone. But she had two best friends, with whom we often met outside the kindergarten. Was she with them, she forgot all restraint, spoke bubbly and steered the game with energetic. Languages ​​but adult visitors at her, she just looked thoughtful and did not answer. She did not stay with birthday invitations solely with the exchange student, so that I had to stay there. Was fair, I turned my sighing laps on the children's carousel with her, because she not wanted to go with all the other children alone. My husband and I were wondering in tense moments, whether they suffered greatly under their restraint. And at the thought of entering school we were certainly very different: Would she ever talk to the teacher? Would she be untergebuttert not hopeless in the classroom community?

What is shyness?

Shyness manifests itself in children in many ways. "The symptoms can be described in three ways: as a physical symptom, such as blushing, palpitations, sinking feeling in the stomach; as a social symptom, such as self-consciousness, behavior withdrawal, helplessness; and as a cognitive, such as high self-awareness, negative self-assessment, self-rejection, "the Swiss pedagogue explains Prof. Georg Stöckli. "Shy (children) are afraid of encountering other the supposed permanent social assessment", Which means, shy children always feel like on display and are afraid to be disparagingly treated or rejected. Happened to them this - as everyone - in fact here and there, they take it more to heart than others. Then in the future to avoid this experience, they keep a fortiori covered for safety's sake - and rather at the edge of the action. But why are some children little daredevil, and other so shy?

The plant for shyness is innate

The predisposition to shyness is considered innate. Researchers at Harvard University have discovered under the direction of Carl E. Schwartz that shy people have a higher excitability of the amygdala. This so-called amygdala is the one place in the brain that anxiety, but also of adventure and courage controls. The increased sensitivity, the shy children have here is, get them for life. That it is innate, also, it says that even infants are very different in how they react to strange: "We always have this in mind that children are naturally social creatures," says Jens Asendorpf, psychology professor at the Berlin Humboldt University. "But this is nonsense. In young children, there are just as great differences in personality as in adults. "So some babies begin at Unvertrautem to cry, others are curious and open.

Uncertainty is copied by the parents

But the genes are not alone give the tone. Because at the same time, children look at the behavior and the reactions of their parents. "Children are very capable of learning when it comes to take over the socially inhibited behaviors by parents. Shy children tend to live in families in which father, mother or both parents rather by reclusive and prudent behavior excel, "said Michael Schnabel, Religion teacher at the Bavarian State Institute for Early Education (ifp). Here parents slid quickly into a vicious circle: "They even remember the disadvantages shy behavior and want to bring their children with all his strength to a bold and research behavior. A devastating mistake! Penetrante evidence of shyness and admonitions and ridicule reinforce the shy behavior. " Phrases like "Well let you but not everything about it!" So the opposite effect, because a shy child can not simply turn off his feelings. It suffers addition: In addition to his anxiety feel just adds: Just as I am, I did not like my parents.

Help with delicate wall flower

But how can parents instead deal with the reluctance of her child? Above all, they should be realistic. The goal can not be to make a shy child a small Stimmungskanone, because: "The nature, shy 'will remain first of all," says pediatrician Dr. Ursula Keicher. "But the child can learn to live with it and be happy. Because of course we can throughout our lives influence our actions and our appearance, so that certain characteristics are not too much visible for others.

Parents should not appeal to the timidity of the child but provide discreet protection assistance. You can show your child: You're wonderful, and rightly so, as you are! When outsiders say to the child: "But you surely do not be afraid" to jump to the child aside and tell parents, "Lisa is not afraid. but they would not vote / come / to talk to you right now -. maybe she likes later "to show the child that it is believed to give him security and confidence. Such a child is usually not teased in kindergarten or school or bullied. It sends a subliminal completely different signals as a child who does not have this security.

It is also important not to invite the child to unwanted activities, but to encourage it to: "Do you think if I go with you, could you tell the other child that YOU are now off" parents but should not be seen disappointed if this does not work yet, and the offspring of every little step along the path to greater self-confidence praise - even if it seems to be always two steps forward and one step backward.

HOW you can strengthen the self-confidence of your child, answered the known education expert Jan-Uwe Rogge in this video:

Shy children need more time

Shy children often have low self-esteem. Take successful experiences less true as failures. They are often impatient with themselves when it comes to learning a new skill. Typical statements are: "I can not", "The others can all have," "With me always everything goes wrong." Here parents should keep up with statements like: "Look, you've already done so much. You've recently ... "(concrete examples call).

Restrained children often speak more softly. Here is a read-aloud book helps like "Where the Wild Things Are" with several pages on which the child can mitbrüllen the roar of the eerily beautiful monsters enjoyable. Or "The big and the small No!" In which a child learns a rich "No!" To belt in situations where outsiders violate its borders the book (s. Service Part). But not only screaming but also physical romp (and later a sporting hobby) is good for shy children. Because movement triggers fears and gives a sense of achievement.

create in kindergarten and the first years of primary school sometimes do not even shy children to reach out to children who find them nice. Here's some demand parental help. One can appeal to the mother of another child and z with the child together. say for example, "Emily told me she would like to once again invite your Marie to play."

Something especially parents, educators and teachers need more shy children: patience. Restrained children need in new situations more time than others. You must first look closely, they get to know, understand their rules. Jostle through the Great extended this phase more. Even adults should her "wallflower" not lose too much: Shy children are easily underestimated, although they - at their own pace and with their own strategies - can handle many situations alone.

How much shyness is normal?

Most children are shy only in unknown situations or to outsiders and thaw some point. "While the children want to contact other like, but do not dare. but once the strangers to acquaintances, they thaw out and begin to feel comfortable. Then you can distinguish them from the more daring the initial Leisetreter barely, "says developmental psychologist Asendorpf. But there are children who do not thaw even over time. this behavior keeps for years, should be discussed with the pediatrician, whether it is the so-called. selective mutism (silence in certain situations). This (rather rare) disorder must be treated with one voice, psycho or family therapy, or even a psychiatric evaluation be considered.

Very extreme shyness may be an expression of a social phobia (fear of contact with humans) in an older child. Here there is a great fear of some situations with other people who can manifest itself physically shaking, rapid heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath, speech arrest, dizziness, stomach or headache, diarrhea and feelings of panic. If it is suspected should be discussed with the pediatrician about a consultation with a child psychologist. Here also help various forms of therapy in coping.

Silent Children are easily overlooked

When our daughter Elina came to school, soon became apparent that we could breathe again - and that we had underestimated them. By school age, she managed a big step for herself: She overcame himself, made with in class and said soon by itself at the teacher. It linked also the first contacts with their classmates. yet they remained rather reserved, and during the primary school there was only loose friendships (which changed only at the secondary school). Untergebuttert it was never because they did well in silence. but the lack of oral participation was always the main topic at the Parents' Day. Sometimes she felt unfairly judged because they found that there were children who, although often came forward but had little to say has substance. Whereas they themselves just raised their hands when they thought their contribution was hand and foot - which meant that it was often overlooked.

This is a common problem shy children, also has Prof. Georg Stöckli observed. While children who disturbed the teaching stood, now the focus of attention, Teacher saw the silent children too easily: "Shyness does not disrupt the school day. Their prominence is hidden. It affects the personality and the healthy psychological development of the children involved face-down and silently "If parents feel their shy child will - because it's so." Easy-care "is - seen too little in school, they should with the conversation Search the teachers. Teachers need to think at school always aware of it, to look at a quiet child detail. Because it takes a lot of positive feedback and attention in order to come out of his shell and develop a healthy self-esteem.

Shy are as successful

However, a major concern of parents abrasive plants can be invalidated: Even very shy assessed children have at least moderate note in school only a few drawbacks. There are, according to a Swiss study, although the grade point average deviation down to non-shy children. This deviation is only a few tenths of decimal places. Because in many cases the oral participation plays a role, parents can make an agreement with the child: It can try to make sure to come in every lesson a time to speak. This concrete, small target is manageable for the child and ensures that the teacher hears it regularly and perceives.

In later life, then even the small deviation falls off in performance compared to peers: working Shy are just as successful as sociable people. This resulted in a long-term study of the Munich Max Planck Institute, which ran almost 20 years (so-called. LOGIC 1984 study until 2004). Were observed from three years to adulthood shy children. The result: While the shy were generally a little later off because they approach were received by the partner determination and professional development, something hesitant to new. but ultimately they reached their goals and career as well have equally good positions as the daredevils among their peers.

Shyness makes cautious

Parents who are still at odds with the assessment of their child should bear in mind also that shyness even for children not only demand but also advantages: it is often synonymous with caution. Restrained children behave considered more slowly, do not be in danger as quickly and hurt themselves less often. Shyness is thus also a kind of natural parental control. Affected children look at and think most first before they act - while a "Hans-steam" is spontaneous and the consequences less estimates.

Books for parents and children

  • Sabine Ahrens-Eipper, Katrin Nelius, Uwe Ahrens: "be courageous with Til Tiger: A guide for parents, educators and teachers of shy children"
    Hogrefe-Verlag, ISBN-13: 978-3801722029:
  • Gisela Braun, Dorothee Wolters: "The great and the small No."
    Publishing at the Ruhr, ISBN-13: 978-3927279810.
  • Maurice Sendak, "Where the Wild Things Are"
    Diogenes, ISBN-13: 978-3257005134.