Mother – son, father – daughter: A Special Relationship
Guys who love the mom dearly, daughters, whom the father can not refuse: Why cross-relationships in the family are so special, but may present one or the other challenge.
Father daughter relationship: "I want to marry Papa"
Photo: © fotolia.com/ contrastwerkstatt
With three years said Naomi Bielstein * something that would have caused naked delight at every psychoanalyst. When her aunt once guarded the evening, she suddenly cried heartbreakingly, wanted a long time out with it and eventually confessed to her: "I just want to marry the father! But that's not because that's already married to Mama!" followed by another surge of tears followed. Admittedly, this classic Oedipus can safely greet rare. Nevertheless, something to the special relationship of girls to their father. The often plays a heroic role in the life of his daughter. Mothers tell often in the Urbia forums how insecure they are, because their young daughters seem to prefer the Father. "My daughter is now 15 months old, and they just want to Papa do not care what I do and do! I'm sorry, I have the feeling she does not like me. I'm really desperate, because I do not understand"Complains a Userin in Urbia forum toddler.
Although such a strong fixation is usually just a phase. Nevertheless, the relationship of a girl to the father often remains particularly close to adulthood. And there's also known to quite a few fathers who are really fond of her daughter and can purely refuse nothing to her.
Mother Son conflict: separation is important!
Since it seems almost like the fair compensation that boys often turn depend more on their mother as the father. They rebel less against them than against the father, and some behave towards her in phases almost caring. For those among them who so show no delamination tendencies from the maternal apron strings, the popular saying coined not by chance the word of "namby-pamby", And here the close relationship often takes even puberty. Not since Loriots film "Ödipussi" We know that there are men who can be as adults like mother in the truest sense of the word: they can not only cook from her mother or buy shirts. But you vacate a place one in their life, which is sometimes more important than their own partner. But more on that later.
Less conflict when other parent
First is now the question remains why children often depend particularly strongly on the opposite-sex parent. Sure you think there quickly to the famous "Oedipus complex" Altvater of Sigmund Freud. Although applicable in its original form as outdated. But there is the concept in developmental psychology to this day, albeit with a different guise: From the engine model was a relationship model. Without now wanting to penetrate too deeply into the psychology, one can identify the main causes of the close cross relationship:
For girls and fathers applies: With the mother, a girl can indeed identify more because it has the same sex. It is at once but also a competitor (of course unconsciously, as is well known, almost always in psychology). Finally, she is already what one has to be itself: an independent, strong woman. The father, however does not solve this competition feeling from. He intrigued with, because it opens up the daughter of something unknown: the view of the world from the perspective of a man. He leads, says the psychology, the daughter almost from the world of emotionality in the reason. Because it shows her that you can handle situations also with the mind. (Not that this is not mothers also could, but fathers are often "straighter" therein.)
The father is both its physical strength, a protector, who is the daughter of backing. Conversely daughters to fathers a chance to show their own softer side, which she may hardly venture in everyday life or in the job otherwise.
Boys get more physical closeness
In the mother-son relationship, it is in the eyes of many psychologists initially rather the mother from whom emanates the greater intimacy: Studies have shown that boys are breastfed longer on average than girls, and that they fed longer and more beschmust , This does not automatically mean that boys would be preferred, the relationship with a daughter can be just as intense - but it is different. When her daughter a mother perceives many parallels to their own lives. The world of a boy, however, is new to them: "Boys behave in many things differently than girls - this is for many mothers a great fascination"Said Roland Kopp-Wichmann, a psychologist from Heidelberg. Conversely, however, enjoy the boys to be able to be vulnerable and soft at the Mom, what is not as well be in the circle of their kindergarten or school buddy.
Not the way forward: Mother son and dad girl!
But the flip side of the special love crossing we have to pick up again at this point. And that is the danger of missed cutting the cord. Normally children are themselves responsible for the schrittchenweise detachment from their ancestors, from the toddler age. The parents have to do is always to let go a bit more. With a close relationship with the opposite sex parent but the necessary cutting the cord may be too weak. Here, parents must help. But this is not so easy, because often enjoy mothers and fathers, the attachment of the child (of course again unconsciously) very much. And nobody likes pushes its young intentionally out of the nest?
Regarding boys psychologist Kopp-Wichmann warns, however, "Boys need freedom." It was important both: unconditional love of a mother, but also clear boundaries and understanding of the otherness of a boy. Anyone ever see the little child in his own son, runs the risk of disturbing the healthy development. "Boys can not last forever identify with the mother, but must be given the chance to become a man." Because mothers sometimes closer to the apron strings of her son hanging than vice versa, should they stop himself here and there: Whether it comes to the first night at a friend's or a slightly riskier tree climbing. Restrained a mother should be, when their son wants to care for them when it is not doing well. Because this is the responsibility of their partner, not a child.
Father daughter relationship: Psychology shows dangers
but even "Papas girls" has sooner or later difficult if both sides do not manage the replacement. A father who too dominated his daughter may trigger self-doubt and fear of life. Some girls and women also give particularly male or "taff"To please the Father and make it hard to live their soft and emotional sides. Conversely, a adolescents but also grow to a childlike, püppchen like creature: if it has in fact learned that you take mainly through coquetry or feigned helplessness to influence men or one of them can get something.
Fathers should therefore allow their daughter to disengage from them that she has other views, is more emotional than teen more on the boys heard her clique as the Father. And whether as a child or teen: Sets a girl regularly flirtatious or flattering behavior in order to enforce something that the father should not always reward it. But friendly ward: "I have to think together with the mom, whether it works"Or: "Tell me dear your arguments, then we can better talk about your wishes and find a solution."
Not always cross bond is narrower
but they also must not go unmentioned: the girls and boys who have no intention of giving the opposite sex parent an extra bonus. "My daughter (15) has somehow missed this phase complete"Astrid Rheindorf told from Wuppertal. "She met her father as a young child friendly and relaxed, but it did not take him more than important. I was her primary caregiver, although he also plenty of time for it took. If she has some wondering, for example, and he gave her an answer, she ignored it. She then asked me again, as if he did not like sitting at the table."
Also, some guys find it not as a worthwhile goal in life to live in harmony with their mother. "My eight year old is totally stubborn and cheeky. If I want anything from him, for example, just that he dresses before breakfast, or apple juice to provide to put food on the table, is almost always first a no. I say it in the quiet tone, but even if I am strict and louder, he hears zero"Says a mother in Urbia forum education. That girls have a particularly close relationship with the father or boy to her mother, so is often, but not always so. Good to know: Both are absolutely normal!
* Names changed