Women who come in the common computer that her lover like to visit porn sites, are often shocked and feel cheated. Rightly?

see porn: fuel for lovers

Maennerhaende computer keyboard

Photo: © Panther Media, Alex Kim

The Internet brings people around the world closer together and often helps the love on the jumps. So many subsequent lovers found himself in a chat room, others received online advice and assistance with relationship problems. But the World Wide Web also provides options that provide for lovers of conflict. Again and again, women seeking help turn as to the Urbia forum because their partner while watching or downloading porn images "caught" to have. This discovery triggers when so many women uneasy feelings and raises uncomfortable questions: "Why did he need that? I satisfy him anymore? he longs for other women? How is it that can please him so clumsy representations?"

In the lively discussion that triggers the porn issue regularly, especially two competing viewpoints emerge: First, there are women who find the porn consumption of the partner irritating and hurtful and the view represented, had in an intact relationship of consumption no business of pornography. Opposing them are women and men who accuse these women inhibitions and take the view porn consumption make men just fun, without any to have what other meanings, or it was just the way that men needed this from time to time and it was no use to get excited about it.

Probably without realizing it, are these women in the middle of a pornography debate that is done in Germany, and especially in the US for many years, always with great clarity: On the one hand, the advocates of a liberal sexual morality, pornography than see one of the many sexual expression and consumption possibilities. On the other hand, the feminist view, pornography is sign of female oppression, they reduced the woman to a mere sexual object and even active on violence against women, according to the motto: "Pornography is the theory, rape the practice",

What will my husband to porn?

Why do men feel so attracted to pornography representations that they sometimes even for deep reach into your wallet and nourish an entire industry has been repeatedly questioned and answered in different ways. With the Internet also quick and easy availability of sex photos and movies has reached a new peak. The sexologist and employees at the Magnus Hirschfeld Archive for Sexual Science in Berlin, Dr. Jakob Pastötter, but believes that men have previously seen as frequent porn: "The only problem is that by the common PC usage more visible and women now come more often it."

The scientist has identified several features of porn consumption in his doctoral thesis on pornography: Then a man wants Toggle for example, and can attract and in a kind sexual paradise plunge. In addition, he seeks relief, both physical as well as psychological pressure. Dr. Pastötter: "Men have regarding their sexual fantasies always scruples, it is an area that you do not have under control, make them feel uncomfortable." Mentally relieving it acts, according to Dr. Pastötters therefore, when men see realized in the porn film their fantasies and they say: "My fantasies are not so abnormal that will make others actually." When other functions of porn consumption, Dr. Pastötter identified the desire to be entertained by seeing something new, interesting, but may well also apply to bizarre and frightening. And finally Pastötter looks at porn users and the will to "further education": Since you want (s) might find out what are your needs and gather information and suggestions for further sexual practices.

Why women get upset about it

Well, but actually sounds quite harmless, one may say, in view of these results. Somehow-evident and not bad. And yet: "I felt somehow replaced so cheap. Yes, I know there are only images, but it hurts like hell, especially when you are emotionally vulnerable as in pregnancy"Writes a woman in Urbia forum. Another, after she found that her partner consumed porn almost daily: "I know my wits, I imagine all the time before, as he sits in front of the PC and make it myself ... I'm so desperate." What is it that stirs these unpleasant feelings in many women? Perhaps the assumption that the consumption of pornography is a form of unfaithfulness? Or the shock about the fact that for the man she loves sex is possible without love?

"Pornography is not a kind of unfaithfulness"Says Dr. Jakob Pastötter, "it takes place only in the imagination, in the head." The Cologne specialist in psychiatry and psychotherapy with additional training Sexual Medicine, Dr. Sigrid Kleinstoll, expressed a bit more careful of: "It's very subjective, how you define cheating. Some already feel cheated by a soul call her partner with a woman. Whether pornography is a form of unfaithfulness, we can not answer therefore so common." However, it is established for the medical examiner that there are serious differences between men and women in their experience of sexuality, which can lead to conflicts: "Men can be considered in isolation sexuality, it takes more than biological function"Said Dr. Kleinstoll while the associated feeling of love and the individuality of each opponent play a greater role for women. Also, women are, according to Dr. Jakob Pastötters less excited by pictures and also make higher demands on the aesthetics of erotic images than men do.

, Kampfgerammel 'or love art?

"We had been together looked at porn, but I is not that much. I like the 'Kampfgerammel' is not like"Wrote one woman in Urbia forum. Women who are trying to raise understanding of the visual preferences of their partners and want to be exciting with him, often feel repelled by the crude directness of sexual representations. In addition, unpleasant encounters many brokered therein woman on: of women be feeble always ready completely unpretentious, once a member of the opposite (or same) sex presented his genitals and their excitation curve not fall even when no matter how strenuous and uncomfortable Sexakrobatik. Not to mention pornography, violence against women as of this is intended and as exciting. The myth of the masochism of the woman, that is, not only conquered the desire, but also with violence to be brought to heel, doing here ugly flowers, can ignore tolerant difficult about women - even if they are quite reasonable glad profess to erotic power games sometimes very to enjoy, mind you, with their consent and without real brutality and injury.

This side of pornography feminist criticism has long been subject. So Alice Schwarzer wrote as part of the initiated by her PorNo campaign: "Because pornography creates an image as second class citizens, as born victims of women: just good enough, used, taken, raped, to be tortured and massacred. Pornography is so much more than just an expression of the total brutalization of our society. Pornography is also and above all, the 'new' men on the 'new' women answer: the response of the powerless and privileges usual dominant sex to the rebellion of women."

Do men who see pornography, fear of women?

Is the porn consumption by men thus a response to strong and independent women? Are not finished them to have a counterpart in real life that expresses their own wishes, did not to anything like what excites the man, and with which they have to put on other levels apart than in bed? And the porn consumer simply a voyeur who shy away from personal relationship and is afraid of responsibility and reciprocity of love?

Against this approach speaks sure that many of the men who see porn, live in committed relationships and you enjoy porn is just an additional benefit. Injured women often feel even by occasional forays her husband porn sites, but if the consumer accepts almost looking like character and replaces the common hours lustful bed whispering. Many researchers see increased consumption of pornography as a downside of increasing apathy in the beds of the western industrial society: "Lust for pornography originates lack of desire for sexual intercourse", Sexual psychologist wrote Prof. Ernest Bornemann. "The whole Sexkult of the West is a product of sexual fear, not the sexual pleasure." And Dr. Jakob Pastötter sees hardcore pornography as a product of our too strongly influenced by constraints to discipline and meritocracy. Too good German, men learn to give up living out their instincts and it too often put off and instead are always better able to express their feelings about the eye, through visual stimuli.

Discuss or tolerate? How can cope with the conflict couples

"I think that every person in the partnership has a right to its own privacy", According to an article in Urbia forum. "Most have not really want to share with your partner their own sexual fantasies, and especially men such fantasies often live with the viewing of porn from." If women so just jump over its shadow and ignore generous about it when the common PC - often involuntarily - come again to the recent web sex walks her beloved? the consumption of pornography belongs simply to the privacy of the man who is considered to accept it? "I would plead for tolerance and set the man not Ask to see any more porn, under pressure", Says Dr. Sigrid Kleinstoll. This does not mean that women have no right to their feelings. "Women have every right to say I do not want"Said Dr. Pastötter. Do they feel offended and bothered by this side of her partner, both as Pastötter Kleinstoll also advise you to seek dialogue. "Women can ask what is it that you mind so fascinated?", Kleinstoll recommends, and so perhaps better know their partners and understand.

However, it is also possible that behind the conflict over the porn use a different, deeper relationship problem of the couple that should be considered and possibly edited. If the partners so that alone is no longer cope, it may perhaps be helpful to take a couple counseling.

Further reading:
Dr. Jakob Pastötter: "Erotic Home Entertainment and civilization process. Analysis of the post-industrial phenomenon hardcore pornography", Wiesbaden: German university Verlag 2003