A baby has arrived and suddenly you're in it in life with a child. They are now parents - caregivers and retain people. How to build a secure bond with your child and why it is so important to learn here.

Bonding and Attachment

cuddle Mother Baby

Photo: © fotolia.com/ Anyka

Binding describes the bond that exists between you and your child. In American, there are two terms: "Bonding" describes the inner willingness of parents to care for the child, to protect it and emotionally loyalty. "Attachment" refers to the attachment of the child to his parents.

The bond between you and your baby is already growing before birth. Dr. Karl Heinz Brisch is a specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry and retain researchers. He stressed that the "bonding" can arise during pregnancy already when the mother makes the decision to be there for the child and to get involved emotionally to the growing baby.

"Mama i miss you"

The binding behavior of a baby occurs in three phases. In the preliminary phase (from birth) a child responds equally to all people. It can be powered by all, whether midwife, mom, dad, grandma or uncle. Thereafter, the phase of interaction (about the third month) follows: The child can the people who communicate with him different from others. It turns his parents as the main reference partners especially. In the third phase (about the twelfth month) begins the actual binding capacity. The child learns to walk, and it dominates the so-called "object permanence" for a short period of time. This means: It goes for a short time, that something or someone is still there, even if it is no longer visible. But if you disappear for longer than father or mother out of sight and it can not hear, it will call and cry because he lost the inner picture of you and the fear is great.

Through this newly acquired property it comes to your child now knows that you are somewhere still, even if it does not see you. Your child can now "miss". The inner picture of you, however, remains only for a short time in his memory. At this stage it is common for the first "fear of strangers". The child can now distinguish new and familiar. Reactions of people who are not "familiar" to him, do not fit the pattern of behavior that it knows. There is fear and confusion. The expectations had your child will not be met. It is disappointed. "Fear of strangers is an indication that the child is on the way, a certain bound child to be," says Karl Heinz Brisch.

understand weave pattern

Depending on how you respond to child and his behavior you, arise different binding patterns:

If you show a great deal of compassion, communicate positive, give body nearby, offering an adequate dose of stimuli, promote a secure bond.

When you meet your child with little sensitivity, in situations that are unpleasant for the child to withdraw and avoid physical rapprochement attempts to cause your child withdraws and it is uncomfortable. You meet your children ' insecure-avoidant attitude.

If you take after a separation her crying baby in his arms and comfort her, but do it at the same time afraid to develop a ambivalent-insecure attachment patterns. They say: "Oh dear, that must hurt, so a bleeding knee, but I like thee told you not climb up there, that you do not do again, otherwise the Mami no longer looking for you."

If you are your child behave towards very inconsistent and different reactions to the same behavior of the child show - sometimes threatening, sometimes show fear, ignore times his behavior - it can not see the connection between his behavior and the parents' reaction. This triggers in your child a great deal of uncertainty and can lead to the development of a disorganized attachment pattern. 

Binding is changeable - 3 Tips

The binding concept can be applied to all caregivers of your child. However, any binding behavior is their own, individual. So your child can be securely bonded to the grandparents and have won up to you as a mother one ambivalent-insecure attachment. These patterns to the respective bond people are individually because the respective people - mother, father, grandmother - have sensitively different from behavior to the child.

Bonding experiences and their quality are very formative. They form the basis for the later relationship behavior. but this is not immovable. With significant emotional experiences, such as with a partner or the own debate so that, for example in psychotherapy, the relationship behavior but may well change. In addition, it is also possible that parents change their behavior and this creates a new binding pattern. Karl Heinz Brisch explained how this can happen: "Parents can, for example, make interaction training. That is, we look at videos and accompany them while learning to understand the emotions of children, such as anxiety and panic, classify and respond appropriately and safely out rather than dismiss the children or scolding. It can be safe against her child from an insecure-avoidant attitude of the parents. "

Safe-bound children can better explore the world. They crawl boldly go and try out what it's like to pull himself up on a chair or touching the potting soil. You feel safe and know that if anything happens to me, is someone who protects me and harbors. Also to learn the skills, memory, flexibility in solving problems, creativity and language development are better at certain bound children.

The connection patterns are considered uncertain risk to the mental development of the child: it can not handle so well with stress, such as when moving, separation of parents, etc. binding Unsafe Children retire earlier and looking for solutions alone. You resolve conflicts more frequently aggression, empathy is not as well developed and they avoid contact with others. "But it's never too late," said bond expert Karl Heinz Brisch. "Binding pattern can be life through new loving attachment experiences towards change emotional security."

Three tips for a secure attachment

And how can I reach that between me and my child a secure bond is formed?

  1. Communicate with your baby from birth! Give it close to the body! That makes it feel that they carry it and want to protect (be).
  2. Encourage your baby to develop and praise you progress! Share the emotions of your child in failure! Take it in the arm and donate consolation, if it has fallen for the third time on his knees. Encourage it is that it will create some time to balance over the log.
  3. Stay reliable! Your reactions to your child's behavior should not contradict each other. Forbid your child overcome the closet if you do not want that. Prohibit it with a resounding "No", view their child in the eye, so it knows that this limit is now determined for it. may take the child out of the situation when the cabinet is to be attractive and offer him another interesting way to play and explore on. Only then your child can recognize boundaries that are essential reference points for you - as a railing at a steep staircase, where it can hold on to. Be as a railing for your child!

build a stable, secure attachment, is working - relationship work. It's exhausting, but it's worth it! 

Bond in the manger - questions and answers

How important is the bond in child care?

When a child is in the first year of life in a crib, it requires a very individual adaptation and the construction of another - as safe as possible - binding to a Mother. The teacher has to take all of the parent tasks step by step: Feeding, wrapping, games, Consoling etc. After several weeks of a bond to this educator can be established, in which the child feels comfortable and safe.

And if change cribs teachers?

Then the acclimatization must be done in principle yet again with the new Mother. According to international studies and standards of the ideal caseload in infants is under the age of three years from 1: 2 when older children are at 1: 3. That is, with good quality cribs an educator should not serve more than three children. However, the caseload in Germany is 1: 6 and up. This means a poor quality cribs and thus the development of a secure bond between the teacher and her settling child is at risk.

The age at which care in a crib or day care is useful for?

There is a big difference between getting a child of one year in a crib with poor quality bond or a child of two years. The two-year-old child was able to build a hopefully secure attachment to his parents and can therefore more likely to rely on these security when it experienced in the manger by the separation and child care great stress, as a one-year or only a few weeks old infant. In the whole question to the foreign assistance applies: Children need safe constant caregivers and safe bonds - wherever. That is, at home and in the manger or the childminder or grandmother!

Is a service in the crib for children under two then ever conducive?

Children "difficult" in an environment come and experience great stress already at home in their family can make secure bonding experience they may never experience at home in the manger. But this is possible only if the cribs educator in turn is tied securely and sensitively deal with the child. If it is not the parents well separation, unemployment, illness, they are often unable to treat their children sensitively, even if they want to. For these children, it could be an asset to go in a manger with great care quality and well trained, sure-bound teachers. 

First published in this article through "family" (Federal-Verlag)

Service: book and link tips

  • www.khbrisch.de: The binding of experts Dr. Website Karl Heinz Brisch
  • www.gaimh.org: website of the German Society for Mental Health in Early Childhood; there are advisory addresses in D, CH and A as well as recommendations for nursery care
  • www.safe-programm.de: SAFE is a standard developed by Karl Heinz Brisch course for parents to promote a secure attachment between parent and child
  • Karl Heinz Brisch: SAFE. Secure training for parents (Klett-Cotta) This book gives parents the course the necessary confidence in dealing with their baby.

Where is Wilma? A picture book about bonding pattern 

Where is Wilma?

Photo: © "Where is Wilma?"Seen under balance-verlag.de

Alert: teachers change in Kita! The children are extremely different, but the new teacher knows to interpret them correctly. This reference book provides vivid knowledge of early childhood development and the binding behavior of young children. A beautifully designed Praixis picture book about attachment behavior that appeals to professionals and parents.

The picture book from the book + BALANCE media publisher has 40 pages and is available for € 14.95 at www.balance-verlag.de.