Whoever raises this question again and again? Am I a good mother? Urbia author Jumana Mattukat any case knows days when well the answer, others where they annihilated fails. But what really makes a good mother?

'Being a mother right, that's a difficult thing'

Mother Child Herbstspaziergang Panther Monkey Business Images

Photo: © panthermedia, Monkey Business Images

Today I was with my children long out in the woods, we collected leaves and then tinkered males at home from them. Then we cuddled us with a nice cup of tea and homemade waffles together and sang a few songs fall finally. In the evening there were no teeth concealed Schlafanzuganzieh-to bed go armed, and my children are met and fell asleep happy. On days like this I say confident and proudly swollen chest, "What I'm looking for a good mother!"

But there is also the other days - days when I go for the slightest little thing out of the skin on my big around constantly criticize and furiously things like say "Do you ever ..." "Can not even you ...". When I bring the children on such days to bed, I think: My goodness, how the kids must feel after such a day? And all because I had a bad temper. What I'm just a bad mother! "

The writer Jeremias Gotthelf speaks to me from the soul with his wisdom from the 19th century: "Mother is some ungesinnt, but its a real mother, that's a difficult thing, is probably the highest mission in life." How right he was! But what exactly is a "right" Mother, on which images we focus on this point?

What mother pictures we have in mind?

  • 1. The own mother
  • Although, after all, for every third German's own mother is the most important role model (Forsa survey in 2003), we are happy and always criticize them anyway: While Frank has felt his mother as "overprotective" and overall "something to present," Stefan complains of " too little care "and" lack of affection ". Tina finds it unfair that she had to go to kindergarten, even though they hated it, but Jessika wonders if her mother had not better be forced to attend kindergarten ". Since I do quite a bit escaped" Marco complains turn explains about missing piano lessons, Daniela "How I hated it, to the instrument bring me today no ten horses more."

    But there are also positive comments: "So my mother has done with the three of us, although it has worked, chapeau," says Doreen and Irene says: "So for the time in which we have brought up my mother, she has made it great. "Many women describe their mothers even as a real friend with whom they could discuss everything again and still can.

  • 2. The prominent mother
  • The famous mother usually has no time for her children, because she is busy trying to adopt new children (Angelina Jolie) to make policy for other children (Ursula von der Leyen) to barter or photos of their Nachwuches profitably to the tabloids (Heidi Klum).

  • 3. The "traditional" mother
  • The classic "maternal" mother settles down comfortably at home for themselves and their loved ones. At Easter she bakes a bread plait, in the fall are carved pumpkins on the doorstep and during the festive season smell it all the time for cookies. Lovely and warm this mother spreads her arms around the brood - her womb is the place where the children can seek solace and protection. Your own appearance is not necessarily important to this woman. Her professional career she is happy behind, because they want to be there fully for their children. This Mother had in the 50s of the last century boom and is now favored especially by conservatives.

  • 4. Career mother
  • This woman is indeed mother, but otherwise not much change in their lives. She always looks well cared for, still has many appointments without children and increases only for a short time from the professional life. This mother makes commitment to high quality care for their children in the form of a crib with early childhood education, a childminder or au pair. But above all, it does not consider itself to better care alternative, because their children need their opinion, more of a happy mother who is less at home than one that is indeed always there, but which falls at home, the cabin fever. She spends with her children prefer "quality time" after work. Every now and then it breaks with their educational principles - when the occasion demands. So she keeps example, nothing of too much TV, but puts their children from the device to perform an important professional phone call alone. The mother as a busy career woman can even accept convinced feminists.

  • 5. The buddy-like mother
  • This mother is a good sport. This woman is either with their boys playing football or with her daughters while shopping. Your can tell all children because her mother wants to be her best friend. Most of all they can be addressed by their first names. You can expect to go later with the children together in the disco hardly. This mother want especially children of authoritarian parents, they are usually full of envy whether this chumminess.

  • 6. Mean Mother
  • The authoritarian mother, however, carries a strictly combed-back braid, to a high-necked turtle neck chain with it. It forces their children to ballet and piano lessons, and of course to sit still: "At the table is not spoken." Contradiction does not tolerate "Miss Rotte Meyer" principle. No later than on the secondary school the children of the mother attend a recognized boarding school, where they learn the discipline.

  • 7. Super Mom
  • And finally there's the image of super mom. The Super Mom does not just perfectly styled out, she also leads a fulfilling marriage, has an exciting sex life is successful in business, but still leads the perfect household, is also engaged in kindergarten and, moreover, a patient, warm and serene mother. Your kids are super sweet, well mannered and have a completely happy and satisfied.

And we?

The mothers described are in reality hardly ever - at least not in pure form. However, we all want to be most like number seven, right? But we feel the contrary usually very far from the "Super Mom" ​​-Dasein. This is partly because the Super Mom is a pure fantasy construct. Secondly, we are also very critical of ourselves. If we are mothers, seems the female self-criticism to reinforce, for now we are concerned with much more than the job, one's appearance or home furnishings. Now it comes to the most important thing we have: our offspring. That's why we make ourselves understandably very much about whether we are doing everything right. Almost every mother turns in her life so at least once the question: "Am I good for my children?"

What makes a good parent?

A social consensus about what constitutes a good mother, there seems to be only in a few respects. Good mothers are keen to provide their children with adequate food, clothing and a roof over their heads and they do not physically abuse.

As with anything that goes beyond this, however, opinions are very far apart. If what the mother is doing, it is judged by society as good for the child, is a highly subjective matter - depending on how one has become even large, what parenting style you favor, and the environment in which it is located.

It starts with health. If during pregnancy the mother from time to smoke or drink, their behavior is either "totally irresponsible" or even as "na, will not be that bad," rated. Also vaccinators and critics have for those who think differently hardly understand. The phrase: "Babies should be allowed to cry sometimes," many mothers feel as cruel; ". They always highly takes the same" others think that babies are pampered too much when you When the child falls, you should not make it a "Tam Tam", claim the one; others find direct comforting indispensable. The list could go on forever, just because there seems to be no general picture of how a good mother has to behave.

Must be a good mother to stay at home?

The question of whether a good mother stays home is in Germany not so controversial as previously thought. According to "Vorwerk Family Study 2007" have working mothers who give their children aged two years in the care of a creche, not afraid of being scolded for it by society as "bad mothers". The conducted by the Institute for demo Allensbach study found: The overwhelming majority of the total German population - 88 percent - considers the term bad mother for not appropriate.

But the "only" -Hausfrau is more confident than they were 30 JahrenAus Vorwerk study shows that women who engage in any additional work in addition to the family work at home, the group (44 percent) is the most self-confidence, so do not not feel like a cricket on the hearth. Whether to stay or as a woman at home go to work, so do not say absolutely anything about whether you're a good mother or not.

The decisive factor is ultimately how satisfied the mother is in their respective roles. A woman who actually brings family and work under one roof, like going to work and a good feeling about it has to know their children in other hands, may be as good a mother as a serene triple mother who really like to stay at home and pleasure is to spend time with their children. In both cases, the women are "in their shoes" and teach their children accordingly. "The world is as it is in order."

Maybe satisfaction is the key anyway? Unfortunately, however, we are - Keyword self-criticism - often not very confident in our behavior. Whether working or full-time mother, no matter what style of education is advocated, almost all mothers with whom I have spoken, steals from time to time, the feeling of being a bad copy of their kind. So this feeling is not only sad and paralyzes and we are satisfied with us as mothers, I propose the following "therapy" before: the "good mother Diary".

The 'good mother diary'

Perform a "good mother Diary". In this note first of all the points that you like about yourself as a mother. From then write down every night, what you have done well on the day, which is behind you! this will be more, in others less on some days. In any case, set itself the view of your positive behavior and can read it on your "bad mothers" days. The diary can help conciliatory deal with himself and his mistakes. In the long term this can lead to be more relaxed. And serenity can harm the mother everyday in any case. If you so the next time feel ". As a mother I am a solid rivets" you should have on hand in your list. For me it looks like this:

  • I try hard when combing hair, so it does not twinge and hurts.
  • I get my children into my daily life: They help with shopping, cooking and laundry sorting. It makes them feel taken seriously and take responsibility.
  • I am sleepless common cold or fever nights through without throwing my children out the window, though I would sometimes like to.
  • I do not parke my children watching TV.
  • I try to be a good example, because children learn by imitation. If it bugs me that I will be summoned across the whole apartment, should I not do it yourself, instead of repeating a thousand times: "If you want something, please come to me."
  • I practice patience and let my four year old Emilia pull the belt in the pants, though it takes about ten times longer than if I do it. What it can alone, I let them do alone.
  • I am consistent in the things that are important to me. The feet do not belong on the table, the shoes do not go to bed - not even in exceptional cases. The teeth are brushed ALWAYS and the socket is always NO for my one-year Richard. In compliance with my rules I insist friendly and quiet.
  • If I do not like something in the behavior of my daughter and we are together with other people, I speak softly only to her and not just put them in front of others.
  • I read to my children before and sing with them, I'm happy. Less like I'm playing role games or board games, so I do it hardly. For this they have their friends.
  • If I'm angry, I'll sometimes loud. So that children can cope better than a "Actually, I'm super except, but I smile trotzdem- facade." The negative feelings are felt for her - if I show them that children can classify them better.
  • If my children are acidic, they may let out their feelings, scream, cry and rage.
  • I try to automatically avoid not all conflicts or create distraction fast, but then bear also the wailing (well in this point, I'm actually not so good).
  • I try probably the feelings of my children and take them seriously.
  • I try to be clear, so as not to confuse my children.
  • I am with my children much in the great outdoors.
  • I advise me with the Father.
  • Even if they have cold feet, they may under my warm blanket.
  • I do like my daughter a favor and get her something to paint without feeling bullied me. When I ask them to bring something, she does it so well for me.
  • I try to formulate my messages always positive, because "no" does not come on in the brain of children. So instead of "Do not go on the road!" Better, "Stay on the sidewalk!"
  • I read good counselor. Increased understanding of the behavior of children has made me a better mother.

Now that I'm just so doing, I can think of very many things. You certainly! Maybe we are not that far from being good mothers? That would be nice, because at one point we mothers are safe agree: We want our kids think we're good mothers and later times what Schnulziges say about us as the Austrian writer Peter Rosegger (1843 - 1918) about his mom: "My mother had nothing but love; the best in me; I got it from her. "Wonderful, right?

Further reading

Jesper Juul: "The competent child," Publisher: Rowohlt ISBN-10: 3499614855, ISBN-13: 978-3499614859

Johanna Graf: "Familienteam- strengthen cooperation", Publisher: Herder, ISBN-10: 3451055651, ISBN-13: 978-3451055652f

Jean Liedloff: "In search of the lost happiness", Publisher: C.H.Beck, ISBN-10: 340645724X, ISBN-13: 978-3406457241